Sons of Galilee​

The self-professed "Intellectual"

 

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God

who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect

has intended us to forgo their use"

-Galileo Galilei

 

For brevity's sake I have significantly shortened this testimony

to reflect a sort of "cliff notes" version of my experience

 

When I was young I grew up in a Christian family. My parents were both believers and I had several siblings. When I was an early teenager my older brother began a profession of faith and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Christianity. I hated other people telling me what was right and wrong and I certainly hated the way other people looked at my immediate family; they thought we were uneducated "Jesus people" and avoided us like the plague.

 

It was true that neither of my parents had much education, my dad dropped out of High School and mother never went to College. I was dead set on making sure I had the best education I could get so that people would never look at me the way they looked at my parents. Like I was an uneducated poor person who clung to religion because I was on the outside of society. The term born again made me physically revulse and I curdled at even the idea of spiritual rebirth, I wanted to avoid whatever that was at all cost.

 

But sometime during my mid-teens I started running into problems. I couldn't just go and do whatever I wanted becasue my conscience bothered me. I was increasingly hateful, spiteful, negative, and selfish. My intelligence made me very arrogant, and I could cut through other people emotionally with a scornful, wry, and destructive use of words. Even as someone who wanted nothing to do with the Christianity my parents professed, I needed some shelter from my conscience. I began to try and convince myself that evolution was true, so that I could have a world of moral relativism where I could hide from my conscience. After a short period of studying evolution I became more convinced there was a God than ever. No way I could believe that non-life could produce life and Earth was perfectly suited for human life by chance. Now I became terrified of death, so I secretly began to turn to religion. I began by saying prayers asking for fogiveness after I sinned and became almost OCD via a superstitius version of secret Christianity. I wouldn't dare say anything about believing as I wanted to maintain an outward appearance to others that I was not "weak" and "needed religion" or was anything "like my parents" which I considered would be worst of all. 

 

"with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved" out of Romans 10:10. I knew that was the way to get out of the conviction of sin. So I decided I already knew that Jesus was true I just needed to confess openly and maybe this severe conviction would go away. Meanwhile I was attending Church and coming more and more under the conviction of sin. I knew in my heart that Christianity was true but did not want to confess openly in Jesus. I thought to be baptized was the most humiliating act ever. However I knew that I was not right with God. Finally I heard a preacher say one time that

 

I decided to pray a simple prayer and then go and tell my parents I had gotten saved. I planned a statement I would say in prayer to God, then confess openly. I thought I was born again because I was able to understand the Word of God for the first time and found the hymns now enjoyable. I belived I was really born again but I now believe this began a period of whats called gestation, where God was convicting and chastening me but I was not yet saved, or as the Scripture says brought to completion. 

 

As time progressed the time came for me to decide what to do after High School. I decided to work in a factory for a while until I figured out what I wanted to do. After saving enough money to buy my first car I decided to go to College. While I was attending University I encountered many ideas that I had not heard before and got caught up in sins that no professing Christian should ever get caught up in; sexual immorality and binge drinking. I let myself go in some respects. I was more obsessed with getting my Business Degree and being popular than with doing what I knew was right. Intellectually I got caught up in reading secular books on religion and Theology. Some things happened in my personal and family life that were very difficult for me to deal with, especially in the context of Faith. 

 

For years I deeply struggled. Alcohol became a coping mechanism for my personal and familial issues while "Intellectual" books and peer-reviewed articles pervaded my approach to faith in God and Christ. I sat at the corner of belief and scepticism for a long time. I felt so far away from God. My struggle with the Book of Genesis and the Origin stories was profound. I read what authoritative books I could fit into my intensely busy schedule as long as it was from a well-respected author in the field. I severely doubted my Born-Again experience when I was younger. Maybe it was all in my mind? Maybe I just hadn't thought of things rationally. Maybe the story of Jesus was forged? Maybe there wasn't even a God!

 

Then during this time I remembered that The Scripture said something similar to: "You shall not be partial in judgment" (Deut. 1). Using this as a pretext I decided to set out to know what was the truth, whether there was a God, who was Jesus etc. and not to leave any stone unturned, no partialities. And if God was real and He brought me into Judgement I would have relied on His word as a pretext for making my Jugdements on what was true. Yet somehow when I decided to make that my standard, the moment I decided that I would find out for real, I immediately felt God become close again, almost like: "Now I can work with you" or "Now you are ready". Yet I tried to ignore this and move in an entirely intellectual standpoint. 

 

What I discovered was profound, I had come to know that college textbooks were mostly outdated scientifically by the time the were printed and rife with error, so I moved straight to the peer-reviewed scientific prints such as Scientific American and Smithsonian. Some books like Smithsonian's Earth and almost any reliable study of cosmology offered brilliant insight. By the time I had studied even some of what I wanted I had become totally and fully convinced that the ideas of something-into-nothing, non-life into life, Spontaneous Generation, and biological evolution by unguided process was the most non-scientific, emotionally biased, intellectually bankrupt, pseudo-science available in the marketplace of ideas.

 

By now I was fully convinced in the existence of God and it became more and more clear to me. The Universe had been brilliantly originated by a Master Engineer, continuosly coordinated by a Master Mathematician, perfectly constructed by a Master Architect, and beautifully composed by a Master Artist. All things led back to God.

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I began to feel badly about what I was doing, the life of sin I was living. But I could not stop it. I was afraid of what my friends would say. I HAD to do many of the things I felt guilty about. I felt trapped in my life – and very convicted by MY own conscience. I was convinced I was saved and this was the result of what happens to a person when they struggle with sin in Romans 7.  I was terrified of what would happen if I was judged. I was incredibly miserable!

 

I met a wonderful young lady, and I decided to move in with her. I saw nothing wrong with that at all, since I planned to marry her and it was better than I had been doing before. She was not really a believer at the time. During a discussion with her she told me: ‘if you REALLY believe that why are you so ashamed of it?’

This hit me! I felt like this was likely God’s challenge to me to get my life truly right with Him.

 

So I began reading the Bible again for the first time in a long time. And what I found truly disturbed me. My life looked NOTHING like what the Scripture declared. It seemed EACH and EVERY Scripture was MEANT for ME! It seemed it was ALL condemning me! Literally no matter what I read it seemed to be pointing the finger not at someone else but at my life! I began to take things more seriously. I had remembered that John MacArthur was a teacher that I felt would tell the truth so I began listening to him. We started going to church – a fairly sound church.

 

I would travel a lot during this time. I was so hungry to find out more! I really wanted to know the truth. I was being drawn in by some invisible force – and drawn irresistibly so. I couldn’t stop reading the Bible. When I did it felt like only a few minutes later I would sin or my mind would begin to go evil.

 

 

Externally my life was ‘good’, but inside I was deeply miserable. I had achieved the success I had longed for as a child, but now I could see it was a mirage. But I had worked so hard to get there and been through so much it was hard for me to imagine giving it into God’s hands and Lordship.

 

After, I was on a plane traveling and after listening to a John MacArthur I remember thinking: ‘this is all I want!’ I decided I was tired of living one foot in and one foot out for all these years, tired of being torn between two worlds. I knew from one of his sermons that you had to be willing to lose your reputation, your relationships, and your reputation. So, I was willing to lose my job (I worked for Jewish firm), my possessions, and my reputation (fiancée and friends – I had no idea what they would think). For the first time I felt some light – something that would change my life forever entered me – something so holy and bright I knew it had to be God. But this scared me, because what this meant is I had never known God before!

 

My life did not get better, my life got way worse. That very night (if I recall correctly) I cried myself to sleep over grief on how long it took me to get my life right with God. My whole life began emptying out, things that I thought would never get exposed – even my innermost being where I had couched my secret evil and knew if God ever saw I would be wiped out of existence – was made manifest and began to be cleaned out. I was hungry and thirsty for God’s Word. And I was deeply miserable. What was going on? Was I saved? Was I saved before this? Had I fallen away? Had I committed the unforgivable sin? Why was I so miserable?

 

During this time, I was still traveling heavily. I HATED going to hotel rooms because I was writhing with my own sinfulness. I was trying SO HARD to do things right but could find no peace! I HATED myself beyond any being. I truly believed I had fallen away and deserved hell forever! Who could turn down God’s grace like I did? I saw Jesus as the Good guy in the story and myself as the ‘bad guy’ – which was very difficult to swallow as I always liked to cherish a good opinion of myself. I felt I was worse than child molesters and demons – I thought these people would be kicking me in hell because I had spurned God’s grace and turned from Him in my sin! The only hope I had was that God had brought me thus far, and it didn’t make sense for Him to draw me to Himself, awaken me to my sin, and then cast me away.

 

I was distraught when I reviewed the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, because I realized I was barren! I finally thought I just don’t want to know myself anymore and only know God. I wanted to cease existing and only know Him! I kept asking God would end me so that I could only know Him. But I knew God was going to fulfill His promise and bring me to judgement because of who He is.  It made sense that I could no longer ask because I would somehow repay Him, or that I had ANY redeemable quality at all! I began asking that God would save me because He was Good, it was according to His character, and because He promises to do so if we ask Him.

 

I started thinking around this time: ‘nobody is going through this, am I insane? Maybe I am fine, maybe I am saved, maybe I should just go to church and do what everyone else is doing here(church I attended), God will show me if I’m wrong’. Although I have not mentioned it here dreams had been a big way God had led me along the path, while I was searching for the truth back in college I dreamt I stood before a book of religions and Jesus stood behind me and said ‘I am the way, the life, and the truth’ (John 14:6), and there were others as well. I had a dream around this time that made it clear in my mind God was saying not to sit, not to wait for something, not to assume, SEEK GOD YET STILL! (2 restaurants were serving, one took the orders and never served anyone and had a TON of people waiting looking exasperated, the other restaurant would not serve until the kitchen was deep cleaned, and there was almost NOBODY there) I took this to mean that I should not make assumptions but to continue seeking God. So I continued seek!

 

Finally, I was at work one day and I would get done with work and watch videos – like Paul Washer and others – and I was watching a video entitled ‘it will cost you everything’. The speaker was saying basically: ‘you must hate your life’ ‘you must pick up your cross’ and all I could think was ‘I’ve done all that! I know what that is! And then a primal cry to God: ‘what lack I yet? What LACK I YET?!’

And I believe God’s Spirit came upon me and spoke to my spirit: ‘You want to add Christ’s Righteousness to yours but you need a replacement. When I said Renounce everything you have I meant your righteousness too. Give Me your ‘righteousness’!

 

At that moment, what I thought was, ‘that’s all you wanted? I don’t want it anyway it hasn’t been able to save me at all!’ and simultaneously this was the greatest news I had ever heard in my life! I didn’t have to make it by my own works and ‘righteousness’ anymore! I would be free from the bondage of having to ‘make it’! There I gave God my ‘righteousness’ to God as He commanded. I felt my old heart fall away and a new heart put in – like the difference between the moon which is scarred and the sun that shines in strength – I felt an unsurpassed joy that I had never ever, ever, ever felt before in my entire life! I was the happiest man alive on earth! I kept looking at my hands because I thought my skin was going to start glowing like Moses’s skin!

 

After this my life exhibited clearly the fruit of the spirit in no uncertain terms. Especially the peace of God! Wow it was like an ocean storm turning into a great calm, and it has remained that way because my hope is in heaven, not on earth! Joy unspeakable, true love not from the bondage of feeling like it was my ‘duty’ and goodness, meekness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control are all fruitful! And the fruit of my lips, thanksgiving to God!

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So what is my story like? The Master tells us Himself:

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“So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be My disciple.” Luke 14:33

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And again:

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“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” Matthew 13:44

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God be glorified in using this to move some other soul along in their journey toward the heavenly Jerusalem!

 

SonsofGalilee@Gmail.com